Image via WikipediaBy Al Lewis
For the overpaid executives who've helped make the economy such a wintry hell, my yuletide gifts to you:
For Bank of America CEO
Brian Moynihan: two cups of coffee at Starbucks, which is worth more than the bailed-out bank's stock.
For
Jim Balsillie and Michael Lazaridis, co-
CEOs of Research In Motion, who misjudged BlackBerry's competition, dragged feet on improvements, made headlines with global outages and now face technological extinction: the Staples Easy Button. "That was easy!"
For ex-MF Global CEO Jon Corzine, who can't find $1.2 billion of his clients' money after his firm blew up: a handy device called the KeyRinger. Push a button and whatever you lost will flash and beep. At www.keyringer.com, it says, "the KeyRinger . . . is for everyone who . . . wants to avoid the stress and anxiety of not knowing where something is."
For Netflix CEO Reed Hastings, whose 60% price hike and other misfires lost more than half of Netlix's customers and 75% of its stock value in 2011: a Clint Eastwood video, "For a Few Dollars More."
For Freddie Mac CEO
Richard Syron, accused by the Securities and Exchange Commission of lying about subprime loans on his books: a 2001 Tom Green video: "
Freddie Got Fingered."
For similarly charged Fannie Mae CEO
Daniel Mudd: How about a new name? His name is Mudd.
For former Illinois governor and reality-TV star Rod Blagojevich, sentenced to 14 years in prison for trying to sell
President Obama's vacated U.S. Senate seat to Jesse Jackson Jr.: an appearance on the one show where his judge refused to let him appear while free on bail: "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here." Produced from the exotic hoosegow of his choice.
For General Electric CEO Jeff Immelt, who heads President Obama's Council on Jobs and Competitiveness: an empty briefcase to match his empty suit.
For former Stanford Financial chairman
R. Allen Stanford, accused in a Ponzi scheme that is second in scale only to Bernie Madoff's, who unsuccessfully argued he's unfit for trial after a 2010 jailhouse beating: Life Alert: "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up."
For Eastman Kodak CEO Antonio Perez, whose legacy will be a 97% decline in his company's stock since 2005: an illustrated coffee-table volume on the history of photography, from the earliest cave painters to him.
For former
Galleon Group CEO Raj Rajaratnam, who received an 11-year prison sentence for insider trading: Ronco's Pocket Fisherman, great for passing inside information along the inside of a cell block.
For Rajat Gupta, the former Goldman Sachs board member facing trial on fraud and conspiracy charges for allegedly plying Mr. Rajaratnam with insider information: Monopoly, by Parker Bros., but without the "Get out of jail free" cards.
For former Countrywide Financial CEO
Angelo Mozilo whose "friends" are still turning up in Congress: a pet canary, so he can finally learn to sing like one.
For former Yahoo CEO Carol Bartz, who complained in an interview after Yahoo's board fired her, "These people f-ed me over": A book she could have written herself: "The F-Word: Second Edition."
For former Hewlett-Packard CEO Leo Apotheker: nothing. He got paid more than $25 million just to wreck the place and was fired after less than 11 months on the job. He should have bought us Christmas presents.
